Me. Myself. I.

India, India

2010-06-20T23:25:00.000-07:00

The call left me stunned for a while. The times that i spent with him were few but more memorable than much of the rest of my life. He might never have been able to talk as well as others but the way he held himself thought me that heart is very important in whatever you do. Sincerity and heart is a language that one does not need to have to use his senses to understand. There was not a soul that couldn't feel it. Everyone respected him, when he spoke people listened, however gruff and incomprehensible his speech may be. He is the one I respect more than any other I have ever met. Having spent much of his life in his own world, some of his views on things are very interesting. No one thought him what magnets were, he only studied till the equivalent of pri3. but he used to play with things like that and spent one whole day explaining to me animatedly how it worked.

Anyway, the reality was that as a result of spending so much time alone and in his own thoughts, parts of his brain started to atrophy and slowly become useless. it happened in cycles, one day he was fine and the next he was a madman. barely recognising his house family and even his own body.

His last ailment, which i too am not too sure of, was the last in a long list. I guess the battery of mind and soul took its toll on him.

my superior though, found it quite offensive when i told him that i needed to leave the country tonight. i was supposed to tell him in advance. what the ****.

he chose to take issue with some issues about how much leave i needed to take. it seems to go off at 3 in the afternoon, you needed to apply the whole day off. bull****.

anyway, i was asking for a change of routine and i had been given it, whether i liked the context or not. i was really half half as i started my journey.

as soon as i got off the plane, i could feel the difference. the immigration officers who used to give trouble in attempts to get a few thousand rupees in bribes were suddenly all smiley and courteous. somehting was wrong, this was not india.

as i took the cab out of rhe airport however, things became rather more clear. Driving past the hundreds of billboards on the long journey (~40km)to the city it was clear that safety and customer satisfaction were the key words. intersting.

before that however, i was greeted my an uncle whom i had not met in 6 years. i approached him with a smile and shaked hands, but his reaction was a lot colder than what i was ready for. this was the point at which things got put into context. i wasnt here for a joyride.

we needed to get to tanuku asap.

and i almost forgot..

2010-05-23T03:37:00.000-07:00

that i had a blog here.

after i had left a place i shall only refer to as point A, i was rather lost. was feeling rather bullish about the prospects of going to place B and enjoying, or even being normal over there.

my suspicions were proved to be true as my entrance into place B was immediately followed my various outfields, one of which happened to fall on a Saturday and i did not even get off in lieu.

4 outfields and 2 shell scripts and 1 burnt Saturday in 3 weeks, numbers do speak louder than words. i hated what was happening to me and i hated to speak to anybody. just kept to myself, being lonely had more or less become second nature to me.

slowly they saw that i wasn't as much of a problem as they though i would be, things started changing.

now i am a lot more content with life and am hoping that it would stay this way. life is not glorious, have to fight boredom and be wary of siamming the occasional arrow and other forms of trouble, but its not entirely that horrible either, because i have seen worse. if life goes on like this i think there is little i can truly be unhappy about.

now moving on to other things, im trying to get my bunk to meet up on the coming saturday. and the going on night cylcing with jc buds on jun 12 (tentatively) and then ill be flying off to india on the 18th till the 27. by the time the ride stops its july, no longer june, or may too, for that matter, and i will eb just alittle closer to the big O. haizz.

just waiting for time to pass, how futile an existance.

slowly but surely i realise, i was me but now im gone.

R

the man in the mirror...

2010-04-04T07:09:00.000-07:00

2010-03-12T09:21:00.000-08:00

well my weekend started off by watching green zone. an awesome movie. I think army guys might be able to appreciate it a wee bit better. its an army show you see. totally held me in suspense all the way. this is the reason we go to the movies. that's a high enough accolade i guess. conclusion: ppl, WATCH THIS.

moving on. i think that the way jack neo handled his affair is absolutely ridiculous. i know that its easy to it here and talk, but let me give my take on this.

The time span from the time when the news came out and his press conference is LESS than one week. pathetic PR. ppl are still finding out about this and have lot of things to say. not the time to make yourself look ridiculous.

He hit on many women, but never really did anything much with anyone. he is a pathetic playboy. i would never publicise myself on this. LOL.

but most importantly, he I think he is an insult to all men the way he pushed his wife into this. there was no need for the wife to come out and give a statement. from what I see it is evident that the woman has put a lot of effort into making the whole relationship work, giving him a free role to develop his work in whatever way he wants. he is more than indebted to her, not only now, but for many lifetimes to come. but at this point of time, without considering her feelings at all, he made her come out and make a statement so that the furore over his infidelities will die out ASAP. if my convictions are correct this is extraordinarily selfish. where is the bloody gentleman? expecting forgiveness or anything along those lines to help him save face in itself is a heinous crime. use your brain fucktard.

and please spare us the tears. i saw a video of the press conference where the wife collapsed. but honestly, both were crying and for a long time i couldn't figure which one was the woman. (not implying that women are given a free license to shed tears as they like it but if god made you a man the least you could do is not cry in public?)

moving on.

heard from who went travelling around europe it seems in Portugal, girls were just crying and kissing photos of Cristiano ronaldo. like WTF?

but in fairness he has a hell of a fashion sense and can carry off anything. he also has a crazy body to aid him though. i consider him one of my style icons. not because he wears clothes that are off the shelf from some designer label but he truly does mix and match some crazy stuff. somewhat like johnny depp too. aloof. but cool.

thats all for this week i guess.

Raghuram.

havent written here a few weekends

2010-03-08T00:25:00.001-08:00

im alove online only 48 hours, or less every week. not fun but then again, thats my life.

the past few weekends, i have been expected to do many things army related over my supposed free time. this is very irritating, especially when they fault you for your efforts being not a 100% and such when you get back. What do they think i am, a regular, to try and put my 100% all the time?

and now the reward for being not as proactive as a perfect man would be, couple of weekends from today, i will have to spend in camp. how disheartening. they are experts in giving punishments that are akin to putting a dagger in you, and as you look back at them with a look of resentment, twist it in further. in other words, they really are ruthless.

also, my mood is not helped by the fact that the punishment meted out to me was more to do with WHO i am rather than what i have DONE. i feel like they just wanted to give me a good whopping so that i will not trod anywhere near the line again, forget about crossing it. my reputation in this place supersedes everything. i haven't told anyone of my regular friends about this, but its more to do than just me being an outspoken with an eccentric sense of humour. how am i to deal with such stuff. when people genuinely are not interested in giving me a chance. i move on closer to ORD, not because i am doing something to deal with it, but because father time never stops his relentless march.

on other matters, had a slightly more interesting weekend than previous ones, watching this hindi movie called karthik calling karthik, genuinely a thriller, has you to the end of your seat towards the end. its a serious movie i guess, totally my type. it needs you to use a bit of brain, or rather there is room for you to wonder about what might be happening. more interesting. genuinely feel that hindi shows are more and more often packing more entertainment value than English ones. oh and yea did i mention, the girl in the film is so OOMPH that watching her alone would make a good movie in itself! lol..

here is a song from the movie, feel free to take a listen, totally makes me feel high. and its not metal so its ok. and there are a few pics of her too! heh

i want to type some more but my mind is probably distracted by the fact that i have to leave house so as to get to camp on time. i have a one day MC till today, still not feeling well, but scared to go to the doctor again cos the bitches won really like it. hellhounds the whole lot of em. AARGH.

as such, i will have to leave it at this. goodbye fellas, learn lifes lessons, learn em well, cos it doesnt have time to teach you over and over again, neither do you have time to listen over and over.. good luck with stuff.

Raghuram

week in review.

2010-02-20T01:42:00.000-08:00

good times. bad times. change is contstant. good times have passed.

skies are dark. not like i didnt see em coming. but they are not really ahead of me anymore. right above me. looking to the heavens. waiting for the first drops.

you play your games. i am going to play mine. not like i am very bothered. cos in the end i win and you lose.

where there are lemons. you make lemonade. life is like that.

you think you read me like a book. but what you dont know is that the pages you are reading, are the ones that you want me to read.

contentment is for the dead.

dont you have some message for him parker? this is a product of your profession not mine.

trapped.

if i had arms, i would kill myself

if i had legs i would run away

if i could talk i would shout for help.

someone help.

dont bother trying to make sense of it. i dont think anyone can. only me. welcome to my life.

cheers. or rather, the lack of it.

a (dark) new dawn.

2010-02-13T06:32:00.000-08:00

the morose title refers to my army life. although everything else is fine right now.

today, i had to wake up early although i played fifa10 till late last night. this was because we had a hige gathering at my house. there were lot of indian dudes coming to my house and i had to help my mother with stuff.

i went shopping with her, helped her carry all the stuff. felt like a son. =)

but i did little else though. i left the cooking to her. hah

then the people started pouring in, albeit late. when some one started saying that indians are always late, i guess they were not lying.

there was this family who came in. never seen them before. but they had a 21 year old daughter. that set my alarms ringing. LOL.

she was bengali. never met one before. i became her knight in shining armour and saved her from the midst of 5 adults talking about some boring shit. then she came over and didn talk much. she just played guitar hero. and then she left, didnt even tell me her name. crap. shouldnt have bothered saving her at all. lol.

after that the parents were going crazy with their boring talk. i was going more crazy. then after a while, my good friend swetha came. i connect with her on many levels. wrong. i just make fun of her all the time. and the word she uses most when referring to me is 'moron'. lol. she turned up had lunch, and said she needed to go to her house to get a sari, cos she had to wear it to a party. had to follow her to help. what a folly.

we went to her room and i helped her wrap her presents. and spent the rest of the time watching her straighten her hair. its a torturous process, the iron is hot, and the thing is heavy. arm pain. why does it have to be straight anyway, arent large curls nice?

in the end she was done. we drove back. or rather she drove back, and i sat in the passenger seat. the security guard at my house stared at me as if i was nuts as we drove past him. i guess i had quite a sheepish look on my face as i was driven by a girl a head shorter than me. hah. i should exorcise the chauvinist in me someday.

she is a crazy person though. speed anyhow. faster than my father at least. haha. fun.

after that i went ot bedok reservoir to run and lo. here i am. all ready to go to camp at 0645 tmrw. what a life. god save me.

Raghuram

la la la Saturday!

2010-02-06T09:08:00.000-08:00

hello all.

i have had a busy saturday. it started by waking up at 830. despite playing ps3 till 3 am. was tired. but who cares, its the weekend. no time to sleep. sleeping is to be done in places such as stagmont camp.

today was my rest day. gymming and running almost everyday the whole week is taxing on the body, and as my body building guru ong si hao says, rest is a form of training. gosh how much he helped me. lost fat and gained muscle mass. hope i can carry on this rhythm. so took a break today. broke away from the diet too. sinning is nice.

anyway. i started off my Saturday in classic fashion. playing fifa10 with only a shorts, no shirt, smelly teeth, sticky body and sleepy eyes. gosh i can never get bored of the game. alexandre pato, rooney and cristiano leading the front line. wreaking total havoc. its on legendary difficulty and i beat Chelsea 9-0 at the bridge. eat this carol. pato with 5! HAH.

then i went out of the house, headed down to orchard. so as to buy a present for our course commanders, who have been very nice to me over the length of the course. felt obliged to get em something nice. met up with my coolios bunkmates yan shi(t) and riccardo. bumped into sifu si hao. and his girlfriend. she looked more pale than her pictures. anyway. not my problem. we chatted for a while. they had to go. then me and yan shi were left to find a present ourselves. need less to say, we couldn think of anything, and stoned for a couple of hours.

soon i realised it wasnt getting anywhere, and yan shi had to go and i realised i had to go back to tampines and carry on with the present hunt. didn turn out too bad though. i managed to get a soccer ball and a formal looking madel that said SEX LEGEND. sampay prob though of himself as a sex god anyway. haha.

after that i still didnt go home. i met my long time buddy imran from dunman. we talked lot of crap about army about life about things in general. i made a deal with him saying that the ladies were not going to taint our conversation and we succeeded till the very end, till imran couldn take it any more. imran told me of his story, and it was quite interesting, with the girl in question getting married, and not to imran!

she is only 20 damn!

anyway. after that i went to watch soccer at the coffee shop. i met 30 smth year old pilot Michael. nothing bonds a pair of men than a game at the coffee shop and beer in the hand. well for me it was hot milo. hah. anywya. we had a long and interesting conversation. it seems he once flew FIFA president sepp blatter from new zealand to london. cool huh. he also used to work for the air force as a pilot. very interesting life.

united won the game 5-0 although i feel the scoreline was rather flattering. all kelong goals. hah. but the good part is that we won, and rooney is still firing on all cylinders. god pls let nothing happen to him.

after this, at about 130 in the morning. i finally go home, after spending the whole day out. what a nice saturday. time to sleep. or maybe play more fifa10.

goodnight.

spooky shits

2010-01-30T06:27:00.000-08:00

hello all

on Tuesday, we had a lame exercise, during the course of which my platoon got split into many groups and sent to various places to try and establish radio communications. my team, being the luckiest ones, got posted to lim chu kang cemetery, Chinese South Cemetery Street 25.

bloody hell, we were in a Jeep and got driven to the location, but it was so hard to find the correct street which we were supposed to work from that we took one and a half hours to find the most ulu of ulu parts of the ulu cemetery. we were in the middle of no where I tell you. nowhere before had I seen such wilderness in Singapore. the one and half hour drive was not very pleasant cos all the graves look the same, and we kept going in circles. i can now bring you on a tour of lim chu kang cemetery without batting an eyelid now, I'm pretty sure. I won get lost. and it was all hilly terrain, I can only imagine what would happen to me if I was doing a navigation exercise on foot there.

I would probably feel better digging myself a grave beside the many others that are already there and lie inside. a better fate than walking up and down the hills for hours and realising you didn't actually move anywhere at all. haha.

interesting day we spent there, sleeping in a graveyard. was quite peaceful though, and we had no one to disturb us. even the commander who was supposed to come and check what we had been up to couldn't find us! haha. serves them right for choosing such a ulu spot.

the bad part though was that once we came back, i started feeling itchy on my legs. by the following morning i had hives on most parts of my body. felt very very itchy. irritating. it looked quite disgusting, riccardo promptly quipped that i had aids on my legs. hah. my bunk is always very interesting.

this itch went on till Friday and i was quite pissed off all the way, and blew up at people when i had no need to at all. sorry jerome.

anyway, on Saturday, i went to this movie called "law abiding citizen". was quite awesome. i love this kind of shows where there is one extremely intelligent character which causes mayhem everywhere else. think batman and the joker.

anyway, there was this huge angmoh who sat in front of me. his head was blocking a bit of my screen, it was just a bit but i wasn't happy. lol. i kept stretching every inch out of my own neck so that i got an unblocked view of the screen. but halfway through he decided to go and hanky panky with his girlfriend. From then on his head was not so high any more. hmmm. advantages of girlfriends. HAHA.

anyway., I guess it was a taste of my own medicine. sometimes I too must have unwittingly blocked other peoples views. sorry fellas.

About the rest of my life. I don't want to effing wake up. Maybe ill explain some other time. till then.

Raghuram

thank you

2010-01-24T18:58:00.000-08:00

hello all.

I live a life very deeply entrenched in negative emotion, invisible to most people, than you can possibly imagine. i suspect everyone of scheming plans against me. try to look at everything from as negative a way ass possible so as to not get disappointed.

BUT

i kind of realised that there are some things that are meant to be enjoyed and cherished especially after hearing some torrid tales form my friends about their own lives. Which is probably why i went home and told my mom on a Saturday morning that i really owe her a lot because of all the love and care she gave me, and how she and my father don't give me extra things to worry about in life.

to which her response was a short, "go and brush your teeth"

gosh why doesn't anyone get me when im feeling emotional. damn. maybe i should just stick to being alone in my thoughts. suits me better.

YOYOYO

2009-12-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

hi everyone.

my life in army has gotten a lot more slack lately, thanks to my down pes.

anyway. now i have officially finished the slackest period of my LIFE, while waiting for my signaller course to start. i have since moved on to stagmont camp, and the ppl in my bunk are quite interesting. got commando guards SISPEC and OCS ooc. they have many interesting stories to tell. never did i know, but my days as a field engineer, playing with different kinds sizes and shapes of explosives actually are quite interesting to other people, however sian i found them to be. hmmm. maybe this is yet another example of how grass is always greener on the other side. maybe commando boy found it sian to jump off the plane too.

moving onto ther things in my life.

on xmas eve i called my JC class to my house. they first met up at tampines mall to watch a lame movie called chipmunks and the female chipmunks. something like that. then they stood in a circle outside cafe cartel, and stared at each other long and hard, under the pretext of making a decisionabout where to eat. it has become more of a trend lately, i think that these sessions are incredibly boring for someone like me, who doesnt really care where they are going to eat becouse i am not going to eat anyway. omg. vegetarian FTW!

needless to say lot of conversation going on was in mandarin, irritating, but i guess im used to it, so nowadays i just stare at my super duper close class converse in chinese, and then try to figure out what they are saying, trying hard to decode the language. even though logic tells me that its of no use, i still try. im a genious!

then after they were done eating, i led them to my house, one which i spent a lot of time sweeping in, cos three weeks of dust isnt very welcoming. haha. my parents and bro were out of town for a while by then, and doing cleaning at home is never really anywhere on my list of priorities as such it was v dirty and such i had to work at the cleaning, and putting things back where they belong.

in the end i think it worked, cos when they did come over i received a few comments bout my house being nice. (pheww). means my area cleaning worked. army has trained me well. but more than just that, i realised that after 13 years i had indeed started to take my house for granted. i forgot totally how windy it is, how there is never need for air con, and how quiet the neighbourhood is, and how nice the view is. things like that. i guess when i grow up and think about my childhood, memories of this house will be very prominent. i guess i should learn to value it more.

other than that, i was actually quite surprised that some, or actually a lot of them stayed over. it seems that i did not get thew message down to everyone that there was a stayoveron as well. as such, angeline pompously declared to me at the restaurant that nobody was goign to stay over. woohoo, im sure glad that she was wrong. the night was quite eventful.

we started off with the gift exchange, one which i got a pair of shades for angeline. it was ratehr a loud shade of yellow but i think she liked it, she is tt kind of pwerson after all. Jia weis present for alicia was v cute too. zhi lin got me a shirt and scarf, which she claims that was withing the budget of nth more than 15-20 bucks. i think she is bluffing, you can trust me to come up with interesting scenarios as to how this worked out for her.

scenario one: she takes the stuff to the cashier. the fellow says $200. she performs black magic. gives him 500 cents, and get $300 change.

scenario two: she goes to cashier. he sayd $200. she tells jonathan to whck the cashier up, while she makes a not so discrete getaway. he ends up in jail. bail:$15.

scenario three: she goes to the cashier. the poor bugger says $200. Zhi Lin waits a while. she stares at him w her sweet face. then she bends over and plants a huge kiss on the fellows face. he is stunned. doesnt know what hit him. Is it a bird? is it a plane? NO ITS YEO ZHI LIN. before he realises what happens, she makes her escape. after 10 good minutes. he looks down at the counter. and he sees $15 dollars. wow so cool. the getaway is something even james bond will struggle to rival in the cool factor.

scenario four: the gift is not $15. its the GST which is $15.

hah.

that was fun, now i hope that the person in question doesnt get angry.

anyway, this has been a rather long post. hope you enjoyeed reading it. definately lighter in tone and spirit than the last one, which was a fair bit of time ago too.

till we meet again, donno when,

Raghuram.

hello everyone, after a long time.

2009-10-05T21:33:00.000-07:00

i dont know who actually bothers to read this, but i think ill write it anyway, just to put some things down. im soon going to reach to 6 month milestone of my NS life. it has been far from eventful.

but more importantly, it is not just fucking up my 5 days in camp, but also my life outside. im spending so much time in camp, and occasionally even the weekends there. im just cutting off my ties to the outside world. slowly, there is no one that i can really trust. i accept that friends are fickle and that all things will once end, but now im in a place, where the people i meet, most of them, i cannot trust. for whatever reasons. maybve im paranoid, but it does feel like everyone is out to get me. i sometimes wonder how people have survived all the way in a unit such as that. the place is so cold and devoid of all human warmth, a place where everyone is after each other. it is ok to be in such a place for a while, but when it takes up most of your time, it does get a bit demanding emotionally.

for people who know me, i rarely watch my words, but i have been forced to do so in a place such as this. it takes quite a bit of effort.

on top of that, i have been forced to come to terms with a fact that i had been so naive to ignore for so long. singapore is pretty much racist. not in extreme terms but you would be a fool to deny this fact. i do not hink its hard to see. the seargents treat me like shit. i know im a easy going person, but their repeated attempts to pick on me, under the thin veil of humour, are hardly justified. im getting quite pissed off by them, and now my platoon, who think that everything that goes wrong is in some way attributed to my actions. amazing is it not? i wouldn really mind if they blamed me for things which really were my mistake, but for everything is definately going a step too far.

i know my post so far is not very coherent, the plain reason being that i myself am not very coherent with regards to my life right now. and also, the military laws prevent me from stating the names of my superiors, my unit and a whole lot of other stuff, or i would end up in trouble, and end up in military jail. hardly a desirable scenario.

lastly, perhaps the most disturbing fact of all that is going on right now is that there is still al long long way to go in my army life. how the hell do i survive. i have no idea.

as i look to the heavens for an answer, i bid farewell. maybe for another 6 months? i do not know.

Raghuram.

first one in a long itme.

2009-04-13T05:27:00.000-07:00

hello all.

it has been a while since i last wrote here. however, this will be my last before i go to army. so, i have no idea when i will blog again. anyway, ill be going in on wednesday, but icut my hair today. i told the barber i was going to army, then he cut my hair so short that i would make an egg look hairy.

i know it sounds funny, but i am absolutely terrified. the silhouette of my head is scary, like im some spiderman or silver sufer. when i touch my head, i go "what the hell is this? dog fur?" then i realise it is my head, and when i shake my head, i cannot feel it bouncing up and down anymore. =(

anyway,. onto other things, i watched 2 live football matches recently. One was kashima antlers VS SAFFC at jalan besar (kashima are japanese champions). it was very cool, kashima were strong and superior in every department and ended updeserved 4-1 winners.

the next match i watched, was TJC VS TPJC, where TPJC ran out UNdeserved 2-0 winners. honestly, the game was pretty scrappy, and there4 was no real flow to the game, there was no real enjoyment in it.

however i did come away frmo the two matches with a sense of regret about what i havew done in my own sporting life. i started VERY late. sec4 in fact, and even then there was no physical training. i got to J1 not being able to run more than 400M w/o stopping. this is a very very bad start to what i wanted to do in terms o fmy sporting experience. i then very painfully started to improve my fitness.

to m,ake things worse, i played sport from sec2, buit never did it seriously, never practicesd at home, and never played it with an actualy purpose. i always used to play but just for fun, never used to think about the game, formulate scenarios and actualyy intellectualise the game. then io joined soccer in the second half of year one, which means i missed the comp. however, it would not have mattered, cos i sucked anyway.

im going to be honest about my ability, nothing special. ive since improved from then but all i actually needed to get in the team, is time, which i did not have. there was no way that a place on a school team was beyond a possibility for me. anyone has enough talent for that, im not looking for a place in the champions league final dammit. but in the end god did not allow me this, and here i am, everytime i see a professional player getting ready for a match or being put through his paces, i just stare and wonder why i could never actually know what it feels like. feel so sad knowing that im such an avid fan, and also very knowledgeable about the beautiful game.

i do not wanna wtite anymore. hope you all have fun in whatever youa re doing.

interesting observation

2009-03-16T08:13:00.000-07:00

hello all.

hope you find my rants interesting. anyway. i just want to start off this blog post by paying tribute to Michael Jackson, who is undoubtedly one of the greatest live performers of all time. basically the only pop star i respect. this dude does not lip sync, and his dances make the bollywoods ppl look like lumbering oafs.

I know that lot of people think that he looks like a freak and he is probably a child molester. But let me tell you this, MJ is innocent. people befriend him only because of his money. and when they get a chance to get some of it. they do not let the chance go begging. furthermore. i have no proof to show he is innocent, but let me tell you something. credit is due where is due. this guy is crazy. sold over 750 million albums. linkin park have not hit even 100 million yet. this alone shows you the scale of his success. and he did all this while prejudice against black people was very much alive. his video was the first time that MTV showed the vid of a black artistes. this man, by all means is a phenomenon.

his dancing, dressing, EVERYTHING is 100% original.

the following two videos are 2 of my favourite videos of MJ.

OK. anyway. on to my interesting observation.

as most of you know, i was inflicted with a series of injuries which ruled me out of most forms of exercise for many months. 5 to be exact. couple this with the alevels, and Had basically not sweated in a good 6 months.

i love eating, and decided that for the time being, i will leave dieting to the girls.lol. anyway. ya, so i did not really regulate my intake consciously, needless to say, i gained weight. that's not the problem though. the problem was the magnitude by which i tipped the scales. i gained 10 kg. hahai im not too sad about this, just that i cannot fit into most of my jeans anymore.

ok. on another note, i see that along the streets, there are many people. who are REALLY fat. i mean no offence to anyone, just hat sometimes, i wonder shits sake how could they let this happen to themselves, especially when they do not have the excuse of an injury.

then i realised something. i gained 10kgs too. its not by any means a small amount. the reason this happened, is that there was no real incentive for me to stop eating.

i was not able to excercise at all, but i still did not mind stuffing myself with food. the reason being that there was no difference if i stuffed myself with food, or not. if i dieted a bit, i am still heavier. if i enjoy myself, im just a little bit heavier. is this worth the sacrifice?

it isnt as if these thought processes were goingt hrouhg my head everytime i picked up a sandwich or a chocolate. i think this is the subconscious thing that goes on in peoples heads. they will fall into a hole, with a slippery slop. it gets worse, it gets worse, and in the end, they end up HUGE.

once again, no offence to anyone. love ya all, big, small, black or white/. ;)

Raghuram

now that im more socially aware.

2009-03-13T07:51:00.000-07:00

This is a inspiring vid i found on YouTube about Oscar pistorius. check it out. its short and nice.

this is another video. I'm sure all of you have heard Jerry c and his cannon rock. this is a video compilation of lot of other ppl. 39 to be exact, playing the exact same songs. one of the most amazing compilations. amazing how music can unite ppl.

ok. anyway. onto what i planned this blog post to initially be about.

i walked around the IT fair today. i went alone.

YES OMG I WENT ALONE. actually, to be precise, i do not give a shit if i am alone, or not alone for that matter, being truthful to myself, i find it a lot nicer when im alone. i can do what i want, when i want. i do not need to follow others to the toilet. i do not need to eat things i do not want to eat because someone else is hungry, i like to do things my own way.

i find company of other ppl is too overrated. if you want to have fun, bloody make things happen. i f you want everybody to some along, and then hope that by accident one of the ppl bumps into some damn nice topic of conversation, then you are putting your fate. luck and eventually enjoyment into others hands. i would consider the wisdom of that to be quite close to zero. go alone. do not be scared. if you bump into someone, then say you are alone. who cares. luckily, i bumped into very few people today. i had fun. walking along and seeing all the great deals. i am thinking about going to suntec again tmrw and getting myself a ps3. my mom has given the green light already. =)). fifa09 and guitar hero, here i come. haha.

also, something i would like to speak out about. at the IT fair, there were lot of people giving out fliers. but there was one company which resorted to using a method which i find very.... i donno. listen up.

the girl giving out the fliers, were dressed in little more than bikinis. i find this very indecent and vulgar. this makes a mockery of men, i do not know how else to put it. you think that we will grab the flier and read it, because they are given out by a woman in hardly anything, a woman who pawns her body. a woman who is little more than a prostitute. well the answer is no. i walked far away the moment i saw this. both the employers, and the girls themselves should be very ashamed.

how would they be able to face their parents, boyfriends, brothers? if someone who was related to me was doing this, i would have half a mind to shout at her on the spot, and a 100% mind to take her gome and give her a piece of my mind.

ridiculous.

anyway. i do not want to write any much longer, but i would like to tell everyone, that despite my last blog post, i am not suicidal and depressed. i am not going to stab someone and jump off.

i am just sad, i know that i tried hard, but i failed. this can never be changed, and when i look back, i can never truly feel a part of my class. its a subconscious thing. i am still fine, am still talking crap. im fine. thank you for your concern. i cannot say it helps a lot. but it does feel good to know, that there are people on this planet, who care.

Raghuram

Wandering between deep feelings of loneliness, frustration and shame.

2009-03-07T21:31:00.000-08:00

as my title suggests. I'm VERY emo now. I'm ashamed of myself.

listen to this. its a goos song. the lyrics are very fitting to what I'm feeling as of now.

go find the lyrics yourself if interested. it basically just says that no one can understand the suffering of the person in the song. and in the end he dies, and claims he is now in a better place where he can speak his mind freely, and is more calm.

anyway. back to the point.

my alevels results.

General Paper - B
Physics - A
Math - A
Chemistry - C
Economics - C

I'm pretty saddened.

as far as my results go, im can say the only true disappointment is Economics, as i had come out of the paper feeling pretty confident. i thought that it was one more A in the bag.

But when i got my results, it turned to a C. i shudder to think how this happened. Nut in my purest of thoughts, i believe in god. i believe that what goes around comes around. I treated my economics teacher very shittily, never did any work, and only put in enough effort to scrape thought the tests. I felt guilty towards the last as i slowly realised that she did not actually have anything against me, and had my best interests at heart. Im sorry Mrs.lee. i really wished that i could get an A and go back and apologise to you, but god has not allowed me this.

Next, my GP was always failing, so when i did manage to pass my GP finally in my prelims, i was very happy. I thought that my effort in the compo merited an A, but i guess i cannot complain with a B.

And lastly, my chem. I truly suck at chem, i think it is the most illogical science. it is definitely got an element of truth to what it says, but other than memorising, i do not understand when you need to use your brain in this subject, other than when doing some funny acid base titration's. You just need to memorise everything, and off you are, on your path to an A. bloody shit.

I think people with real sense of perception and dynamism are all devotees of physics and programming and maths. These are fields which give you space to be bloody brilliant. go read Einsteins theory of relativity. bloody brilliant. ok. guess i should stop slandering subjects before i get sued by someone.

So there it is. my Alevel Results. But however, i do have to stress, that the real reason why i feel so sad, is not because my results are so horrible. they are decent. i can go to the engineering course that i want, its just that i will not be a front runner for scholarships.

The real reason I'm feeling so sad, is because of my standing in 07. I'm like last again. at most second last in class.

This really sucks.

All my life, i have never been the one to be bottom with such alarming consistency. I was never the smartass. but i have always been like mid class all the time. and when the major exams turned up, i would turn my game up, and get some decent grades.

When i came to TJ, class 0707. everything changed. i was rock bottom for everything, I could not understand why. The reality was that i had a HUGE culture shock. In dunman sec, there was a slack attitude. And i was one of the prime slackers in this place with a slack attitude. The change to 0707, where everyone is so onto everything. they will do homework before hand. they will study hard for all the tests. they never once beg for tests to be postponed as like in dunman.

and worst of all, people actually discussed others academic performance outside of class. it was unthinkable for me. but this is what happened. when i first came to TJ., my class hated me. i was the noisy newcomer who couldn't study well. just didn go well with the rest of the class.

slowly things changed, thanks part to my diplomatic skill, my humour, and mostly cos 07 is such a bunch of great people.

But at the end of the day, i know something. i was in school for something. i was in school to study, get good grades, and i was not doing it well. i was enjoying myself socially, but inside, i always had a sick feeling that i can barely describe. i knew i was dealt my toughest challenge in all my life. these people were either harder workers or smarter than me. in some cases, both. i never wanted to go to the top of the class or something. i just wanted to have some face. due to various reasons. i failed.

this is a very bad circumstance. the fact that i have a big ego, did not help. i cant stand this humiliation everyday of my life. Be it a boon or bane, i couldn't express myself with regards to this to anyone. sometimes after tests, i know that i looked emo and stuff. but this is not really the stimulus. its just a culmination of all the sadness that welled up in me over the past couple of weeks.

Then something happened. ater year one, when i thouhgt that i was as good as retained, my grades started picking up. i was feeling hope, i had motivation to sit and finish my hw everyday. i was enjoying myself. then came JCT. i had the best performance i could have wished for, that was within my means, in july 2008. i thought that this was it. i was all set for alevelss. i would do well. i would be able to get at least a couple of grades that would not pull down the average of my class. it was all i wanted. i would then be able to forget all the humiliation that i endured for 2 years. i would be able to look my friends in the eye. iw ould be able to walk with my head held high.

Nothing woked out. 0707 had an exceptionally brilliant performance. lot of people with 6,7 and 8 distinctions. there i was. stupid looser. with 2 As only. i could go here i wanted, but this immense failure in terms of what i set out to achieve is a lot to handle.

at the end of the day, i just wanted respect. i wanted the teachers and my friends, to view me as one of them. to treat me like an equal, not a handicap jackass who cant study for nuts sake. people asked me my grades, i told them, they went OK WHAT.

yes sir, they were ok, but if you had these same grades, you would be getting ready to jump off. so this is it man. i failed. who cares what happened after this.

i really shudder to think of which thoughts will come to me when i i start to think about my JC life in a couple of years time. all i can think of is failure. even as of now. the nice experiences in JC life has suddenly deserted me. here i am. all alone. contemplating this failure. with no option, but to accept this, hang my head in shame, walk away, and still never be able to consider myself as a part of this great, really great bunch of people that i know as 0707.

You might tell me that im being unrealistically saddened by something that does not warrant as much attention. but i wanted something that i fell desperately short of. deep inside, i know that my friends will never be able to respect me as a student, respaect me as someone with intellect. i will remain as the misfit, the admin mistake. forever.. and this is what hurts the most. and i can never change this.

even if i forget about this inceident, i think it must be made obvious to who ever has read this far. the pain and denting of confidence over 2 years cannot be discarded just like that. this has not had a negligible effect on me. i can see it pretty clearly. i do not trust myself as a student. deep inside, i have started to consider myself as genuinely a nutcase. stupid. 2 years of denting of confidence. if i could change this i would, but with a bruised ego, and a lack of confidence in me, i leave this chapter of life that i shall call JC.

to end off. and to demonstrate how i was never, and will never be a part of 07.

two amazing quotes my mrs.poon.

"you know ah, raghu, when i saw that you had an A for physics, i knew immediatly that the whole class got A, "

"you know, mrs.lim was telling me., that benson probably deserved an A in maths more than you."

so basically i did not deserve anything. so much for respecting me.

i know that i am someone who is thick skinned and can take a lot, but you are an elder. someone i respect. surely you have more tact than this. fie upon you mrs.poon.

Raghuram

To hell with Slumdog. To hell with Boyle.

2009-02-27T21:48:00.000-08:00

I think my title says all.

As i watched with eyes wide on a Monday morning,slumdog millionaire, a show that chronicles a young mans journey from the slum in Mumbai to riches that his illiterate mind could barely imagine, won big at the Oscars. I was very impressed. I love my country, and this was the show which was gaining lot of publicity for my country and its very colourful, and OBSCENELY under-rated movie industry. Loosely referred to as bollywood.

It was produced and directed by white men, but the cast was all Asian. It was widely lauded for its excellent directing and the way it makes its audience leave the theatre with a bounce in their step. To top it all of, it won not just the best FOREIGN picture award, but THE best picture award at the Oscars. My expectations were raised.

So one fine day, after my laps at the pool, i met up with 2 of my old friends. we had a candid conversation and we went to the show after that.

After all that i heard about the movie, i could scarcely believe what i was feeling when i was leaving the movie theatre. i was DISAPPOINTED. you read the word right.

I think i can attribute this to a couple of factors.

1) The girl was not really pretty. She is above average for an average street dweller, but the bar is raised to very high standards when you step on the movie set. i think she couldn't make it. This was not the major reason though.

2) I came away from the movie feeling that the movie has really put India in a VERY bad light in the eyes of the rest of the world. Boyle showed India as a country of slums where people live in eternal poverty, where toilets are a room with a hole in the floor, and where there is no tolerance for religions. This cannot be further from the truth. India is a country that is doing well both economically and socially, has immense pools of skilled, English speaking labour that most countries would be very proud of. Also. Religious zealots do exist, and squabbles do happen once in a while, but a crazy, unprovoked and barbaric act such as the one shown in the movie is a very very far fetched prospect.

Of course I do understand that that this movie was about a boy in a slum, and as such Boyle had a responsibility to show life in the slum as it is. Putting it in a brighter light that what it is in reality would be an injustice to the troubled lives of the millions of slum dwellers that exist in my country. I have no problems with this portrayal of slums.

The thing with which i have a problem is the ignorance of the masses. Even in Singapore, where people are educated and encouraged to be aware of others cultures and traditions, people whom i know do not know that Tamil is not the only language in India. Even worse, they do not know that there is no language such as "Indian". They do not know that Bangladesh is not a state in India. People are shocked when they learn that the people there study mainly in English medium schools. And this is the situation in Singapore. Can you imagine what the situation will be like in western country like the USA or UK?

My major concern, and belief, is that the people who watch this how will not be able to discern the fact from what is shown in the movie. Most of the things that are shown in the movie do exist. I shall not deny that. I have been fortunate enough though, to avoid having to live in such conditions whenever i do go back. However, I really do believe that the current view of India is the eyes of the world is a big nation of a billion SLUM DWELLERS or Slumdogs, as the film put it. I can barely describe how sad and irritated i am at the plight of our reputation.

I really do not want to go about criticising nations and races as a whole, however, as someone said, "ignorance and arrogance go hand in hand". Many Singaporeans, certainly the ones in their middle ages, are certainly not short on either, thus the reason for my discontent.

3) Finally, i do not even think it is an extremely nice storyline either. it feels as though they chucked the girl into the story because they had to, to ensure that they pull in the money to recoup the investment that the producer put in to the film. Honestly, if the girl had not been there, how much would the story actually have changed?

The story also keeps flipping between this current day and when he is sitting in the HOT SEAT, as Anil Kapoor(show host) put it. It is quite draining to have to peice the whole thing together every few minutes. I honestly feel like the WHOLE movie felt like an extended trailer.

I also want to comment on the realism of the script. How am i to beleive that the guy can search a city of 20 million people for a girl, whose last name he does not even know? How am i to beleive that he remembers everything that he has ever seen in his childhood? How am i to beleive that he became a tour guida at the taj mahal, withot ever having been thoruhg school. And for heavens sake, who reads the three musketeers in kindergarten?

4) Another reason why i was so diasapponted byt this film is because maybe i anticipated too much from it. Maybe all the awards and the publicity had raised my expectations so high that no film would even be able to give me what i was expecting/.

I know that this is a rather long and an unhappy sounding blog post. ill end it on this note thouhg.

Kudos to Amitabh Bachan for slamming the creators of slumdog.

Ive always liked you SRK, but i can tell the only reason you defended that show is because you are looking forward to an income in AMERICAN dollars, and not ruppes. Fie upon you.

Raghuram.

I am me.

2009-02-21T21:39:00.001-08:00

sorry for the ridiculous title.

i really did not know what else to write. =)

i am still fiddling around with the guitar. my aim is to learn how to think and play in terms of sounds rather than notes. This is rather hard because it will really push your hearing to the test. i learned the keyboard for about 3-4 years when i was in secondary school. i got pretty good and i was able to play all the songs that are quite technically demanding, but the thing is that, i could ever EVER sit at the keyboard and start making my own tunes.

its not that i have ambitions to become a rockstar or something, but i really want to have the music skill and ability. They can think in terms of sounds, and play a tune as soon as they hear it. Its amazing. I have always admired people who do have this skill.

One such talent is my friend imran. he is damn cool. not so much because he can play the really cool songs, and has a good fingers that glide effortlessly over the fretboard and strings, not because he has a $1200 guitar, but because he can play any songs he heard just out of the blue. i talkabout a tune and he goes, oh you mean this one? and plays it perfectly on his guitar. COOL.

By now, i can kind of feel that the skin on my fingertips is becoming thicker. my body is adapting to the needs of my day to day life. haha.

anyway. i am a devoted fan of heavy metal (as i have made it clear to most of my friends) and wnated to play the tunes of all the ppl who i admire, like metallica, iron maiden and stuff. but to do this, i also heard that starting on the acoustic guitar is good because acoustic guitars are harder to play as the sound does not come out clean that easy. when you practice on something harder and then go on to something easier to play, like the electric guitar you are bound to do a lot better.

but as i have gone on, i understand that the acoustic guitar is not just a stepping stone, but something very very beautiful in itself.

there has been one song that has made me very emo. it is sung by eric clapton. he is a great singer. and even better with the guitar. =).

the song is named "tears in heaven". i read the lyrics, think its something aobut his wife who is dead or something. it is a very peaceful and beautiful song and think that all of you should try.

anyway. moving on to other things. as carol would know. i love to walk around tampines mall, century square and most of the tampines central whenever im bored. (i met her so many times during her stint in popular bookstore i literally felt like i was stalking her or smth. sorry carol!)

so yea. i was walking around tampines central, i saw this pasar malam on some field. walking through these night markets often make for very interesting experiences so i did venture in.

then i saws something very disturbing. i saw a couple of cars that were being sold there. i have lived in singapore for many years, and this is something that always evaded me. how the hell do the authorities allow this, and even worse, WHO THE HELL ACTUALLY BUYS A CAR FROM A FRIGGIN PASAR MALAM? i reckon the prices might be a bit lower or something, but still. it does not make too much sense.

in most normal peoples life, buying a car is a major investment which they will use for many years. how can they feel comfortable buying a car out of a place which sells everything from cup corn to underwears and mattresses as well?and for gods sake did anyone look at the state of the cars? yes they are new, but one look and you can tell that the cars are muddy, dusty and havent been washed since... jimi hendrix died?

personally, i have dreams of buying a BMW. maybe nt a coupe. =). but definately a nice big black car. they are the only car that ooze class to me. they have beautiful eyes too. (rear and front lights) haha. the rest look dam crappy. ESPECIALL lexus cars. so expensive and look like crap. Mercedes is ok. but they all look the same dont you think?

Thats it for now.

Raghuram

change?

2009-02-18T20:30:00.000-08:00

alright. from the last time this blog ahas been published, my life has changed quite a bit.

firstly, im not really beating myself up over being unemployed anymore. im trying to enjoy my life and take things slow, i been sprinting through all my life, finally when i get to slow down and see things as they are, i do not see why i should be ashamed of myself or sad or feel unfulfilled.

i am finally doing the things that i love, and want to do. true it gets boring, but from what i see, when you go and work, life gets even more boring, unless of course you are called christian and happen to teach in chai chee sec, where unfulfillment reigns when you are a teacher. haha.

i am swimming, playing soccer, bball, going to the gym. my knee still hurts a bit, but i am still quite confident that it will go off soon and is only a matter of time. i am also learning the guitar, and via NO FORMAL training at all, i still managed to learn the intro parts of Enter Sandman, and Welcome Home (sanitarium) just by experimentation. both are metallica songs. they are reputed for having complicated songs but the intros for these are simple enough. im pretty proud of it, although my fingering is not very good and it sometimes sounds like crap. haha

also, a major reason why i have had this major change in mindset is because my enlistment has already been shifted forward to APRIL from july. What a welcome relief.

Its quite hard to understand how i got this April date considering that the person who examined me in January when i wanted a small deferment to recover, told me explicitly that there is ZERO PERCENT chance of me being admitted to the April batch. screw him, man. haha. a major reason why this happened was that my father helped me out. he was going away to Vietnam, so he couldn follow me to CMPB to ask them why i cant go to april batch, so he sent them an email from there.

the contents of that email are rather funny. haha. he claimed that i was becoming depressed when at home and that im becoming sadistic or smth. it looked dam funny, especially considering the type of person i am. but anyway, it did the trick. they replied to him in a couple of hours that my enlistment was going to be in April and that they wish me all the best in my NS commitments. cool huh. haha. although it is equally impressive that happened, considering that govt offices usually do not get much done in a day. Singapore administration is indeed very impressive.

what else? i never realised it but now that i have so much free time, i have become a movie junkie of some sorts. especially Hindi movies. i WATCH 'EM ALL. haha. (look at the picture at the top of my blog)

i also watch English movies, but as i have told some of you, slowly, im realising that Hindi movies are something that i can connect to, they speak my language, and i understand all of what they say, and understand the jokes as they were meant to be.. in English movies, sometimes, they go so soft i cant get what they are saying. especially tom cruise. watching Valkyrie was quite frustrating cos most of the movie was a very serious one, and he was always whispering to his friends on how to kill Hitler and stuff, and they use all kind of funny German terminology and shit. on the whole, i didn get a large chuck of what he said. interestingly enough though. i can understand what the rest of em were saying, haizz. stupid Scientologist.

and also, standard of hind movies are really really increasing, and i would seriously consider watching an Indian movie over an English one now.people who knew Me well in secondary school would know what im saying. in s3 i was literally against bollywood. not that i dont like their dancing or anyth, but i just though that the plots are too much in the fantasy world. however now i realise that that is the point of a movie, what the point of watching a serious movie when you can watch one that is slightly far fetched but is a lot more entertaining and has a large "feel good" factor. movies is a prime form of escapism anyway.

anyway, im heading to the end of this week, on a slightly low note, cos of something in the love dept.

haha. i know this will get some ppl excited or smth but hey, i did not actually get rejected or smth. i didn even do anyth. i just kind of laid out some cold facts in front of me and realised that it just wont work so i gave it up. thats all. haha.

thats all folks. its been a rather long blog post anyway. enjoy yourself. be happy.

Raghuram

i stand humbled.

2009-01-24T22:58:00.000-08:00

as of now. my knee is still not totally alright. there are still random pains in the affected region. however, the good thing is that i am well on my road to recovery. i managed to play at the street siccer court twice in the last 2 days. this is a really good accomplishment as compared to the point of time when i could barely walk to tampnes MRT and back without having to grimace in pain almost all the way.

actually, this has not been a steady improvement. it has been a slow painful one until about 4-5 days ago, when my mother, who is a yoga teacher, told me to just start doing yoga because it has benefits which are undouted by even medical professionals. sincee as im bloody unemployed and have nth to do, i did take it up.

the name yoga is derived from sanskrit word "yoke" which means balance. in other words, balance between mind and body. its an amazing concept, honestly. they invented it like more than 17000 years ago but its benefits and practicality of the art are still applicable today.

anyway, getting to the point, there is this one thing that i did., which allowed me to regain a lot of my knee back from the clutches of hell. (honestly, after 2 months of pain this is exactly what i felt.)

sorry to all the physiotherapists who looked at me, all the specialists that looked at me, but the stuff you gave me, helped me reduce the pain but not get rid of it. so ya. doing the pose. its called padmasana, or the lotus pose. its not as easy as it looks. my knees felt lke they were being twisted everytime i did it, but in the end, it is showing remarkaable improvement.

anyway, the main point as to why i said at the top of the post that i am humbled is because i think that without the grace of god. nothing happens. i have been toiling and doing the oh so painful things that the physios have been telling me to do.

when i first realised this, i knew that it was going to take a miracle to save my knee from being totally wasted. to stop myself from being deprived of the things i love doing.. running. soccer.

however, in such a sudden twist of fate, i come upon this excercise, and from being in pain even when in my bed, i can go to playing soccer. in a couple of days. suddenly, new life has been breathed into my dreams of being an accomplished outsoors person.

this incident has to an extent showed me how fooled we are in control of our little world, and how much at mercy we are to a larger power in this universe, whether you call him allah, jesus or krishna.

we would like to think that we have things in control and all but in reality that is nowhere near the truth.

i am trying to think of a logical and more scientific and irrefutable way of saying this but i am struggling to do so. i guess this is the beauty of the whole situiation. you wont know what is happening till you see it. lifes lessons can never be thought to anyone.

me and my sad life.

2009-01-15T20:59:00.000-08:00

last week, my friend smsed me, and told me about a job that could earn me 500~1500 within a month for merely 5-10 hours of work a week.

Sounded very good, so i did go down to the place that she wanted me to meet her at. bugis macdonald at 715. so be it.

BTW. i watched ong bak 2 with jia wei before that. IT WAS SERIOUS BULLSHIT!

ok, back to the story. so i went to the place, and honestly felt a bit cheated, because it was actually a sales presentation, in which the people there tried o sell their product to ME.

long story short it was some amazing concoction by this company, and their research team is headed by a nobel laureatte.. interesting huh? ya so what they are saying is that the shake itself will not claim to cure any diseases but they claim that my by putting in the right things into your body, they are able to slowly shake off all kinds of problems, from obesity to hair loss, because your body will slowly start reacting to all the goodness flowing into you. lol.

another thing is that they made me stand on a weighing machine, and then THE MACHINE SLOWLY RATTLED OFF MY BODY FAT PERCENTAGE, THIS THAT BONE MASS, MUSCLE MASS FAT MASS. EVERYTH. Then they slowly started looking at all these statistics and told me that my body fat percentage was in the region of obese, my donno what fat was extreme. all in all trying to convince me not only to start working for them, but also to actually buy their product. which is not cheap btw. they have 3 types of weight loss formula too. they call it FAST, FASTER, and FASTEST. lol. fast being 100+, faster being 200+ and fastest being 300+.

they also showed me many many pictures of ppl before and after they tried the product. the whole barrage of pictures made me feel like i was actually entering some slimming centre rather than a wellness company.

i turned up there for a job, and now i am coinfrointed with this. the job

pretty tall tale huh? i think so too.

but in the end, i did turn this job down, cos i think i would feel very bad and sad if i sell this bullshit to my friend. i would certainly feel guilty, every customer.friend i have. and as my father once told me. never bring money into friendship.

Unemployment.

2009-01-14T01:42:00.000-08:00

here i am. Big. Gaining weight. Black. foul mouthed. but worst of all. UNEMPLOYED. Being unemployed really sucks.

Everyone i konw, more or less, is doing something. Be it as important and cool as teaching J2's (ivan) or something as mundane as pouring drinks for other people. (angeline, jia wei, elisse). Honestly, it is way better to be doing something and earning something than sitting at home sand doing nothing. The sense of UNfulfillment is very severe. I am a youg man, with his life ahead of him, with many things to do in life, many BMW's to drive ;). But instead of doing something to help me Achieve all of that, I AM SLACKING.

I think the reason why it sucks so bad to slack, is simple. There is no value to good, if there is no bad. There is no value to love, if there is no hate and anger. There is no value to life is there is no death.

As such, unless you work, there is no joy in slacking.

Problems do not solve themselves unless you get off your bum and start doing something about it. So i did decide to do something about it. I want to become a relief teacher and help people overcome the problems that i myself faced, and overcome not too long ago. (no this is not an interview answer. I really do feel this way. Thinking that if i just call schools up or if i just give them a call, that it would be insincere, i personally went down to these schools, in chronological order.

1.Dunman Sec
2.East View Sec
3.East Spring Sec
4.Ngee Ann Sec
5.Bedok Green Sec
6.Bedok South Sec
7.Chai Chee Sec
8.Temasek Sec
9.CHIJ KC
10.TKGS.

It crazy. I travelled so much on my stupid adult ez link card that i think i blew about 9 bucks on transport alone. They all said the same thing though, which is that they will call me back if they do want me. Which is rather dissappointing, but i guess that it would be pretty much unrealistic if i expected tham to give me a job or wadeva now itself. It as very sian and tiring to do all this. But i guess, as they say, if you want something, its never going to be easy. I dont mind if it isnt easy, but hell yeah i do want a job. a fulfilling one.

the search shall go on.

post2

2009-01-12T20:27:00.000-08:00

I think i finally cracked how this thing actually works. now here i am writing my second post.

ok so i was reading the blogs of all other 07 ppl, and realised that actually a lot off ppl blog, but very few do it regularly. although i wish some people whose blogs are fun and short blog more often. like han liang and cei. lol. anyway, so ya my point is. I AM MISSING 07 a LOT.

i think our next gathering is going to be on 24th jan, and hopefully, its gonna be at my house. im trying to get some permits. (from parents lol).

however i fear that if 07 does meet on jan24, i will be a very sad person. because i really am wishing that my knee is better and that it is possible for me to have joined the army on jan8. Seeing all the guys with shaven heads and bursting with experiences in the greren sunny island of tekong is yet again going to remind me of the fact that i am not going to enter the army till a lot later, by which time half of them are in OCS and SISPEC and stuff. and also going to remind me of the fact that i am unwell. it sucks to know that your injury is not very serious but at the same time you cant really exert yourself. only thing i can do now is to do the excercises the physiotherapist gave me. and hope and pray.

i think i am about to punlish my first ever blog page.

2009-01-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

hello.

it seems that 07 ppl do a lot of blogging. i think its quite amazing because frrom what i can see, blogging is an enormous waste of time

well, from what i konw, blogging is smth in which ppl can complain about what happens in their life. i reckon i will not be complaining now. i will just talk about smth. well, i am right now in a slight problem.

i was supposed to enlist on jan8, however because of a small niggling knee injury, i have not been able to enlist. when i told them i had such a pain, they canacelled my enlistment date immediatly and put me in PES D. which means my status is in pending. means i have to go back to the army ppl with a memo from a hospital sayign im fine and all. then they will give me another enlistment date, and from what i gather, it is likely to be in july, when i actually only anticipated it to be in april.

needless to say im devastated, and i have no idea what to do with this enormous amount of time. this boredom is already killing me. i thought having so many things to do when in sch was a torture, but instead, i now realise that having totally NOTHING to do is an even bigger torture, i feel like a useless lump of living MEAT. =(

i actually always wanted to try my hand at teaching, but since my enlistment was so soon after my alevels, i decided to leave it. now that i have so much time, i realise all the teaching vacancies are gone. it truly sucks.

so much free time is bad, and it becomes even worse when i have not planned for it.

but on a brighter note, i have some time to do the things that i have always wanted, such as to learn to play the guitar, drive and study for my SAT. trying to learn a bit of computer programming is also on my agenda,

i wish that by the next time i post something here, i will have made some headway on some, if not all of these interests.